De-passionated?

“What are you really most passionate about, Jed?”

This is just one of the questions that kept on nagging on me lately. No one asked me this, actually. It’s just my subconscious bugging.

I made that word up, in case you wondered.

And honestly, I do not have a really great answer to that question. What am I really most passionate about?

De-passionated. That’s when you’ve been sucked out of passion for anything. Like decaffeinated coffee that has no caffein, a de-passionated man (have to say it’s different from being dispassionate) is someone who has lost passion for something, if not everything.

What am I really passionate about?

I couldn’t answer my question. And just like that, I tried to find hints. Why is passion important?

Passion is a very strong force. Passion is greater than emotion. Passion is what drives you to do things. Who you are is a sum of everything you are passionate about. In short, it is who you are.

I dread the day when I find myself fully de-passionated, dry of any passion conceivable.

Thankfully, I’m not there yet. I hope I’ll never be.

I do a lot of things, some quite enjoyably. I grew up doing a lot of things. Some people say I’m multi-talented. Thank you. But I’d rather say these are gifts I don’t deserve. And it comes with a bane for me.

Blame the Dunning-Kruger effect. Knowing a lot does not make me any confident about things. I keep on double-guessing myself.

But I think that’s part of really growing. The better we become at something, the more we know that there is still more to accomplish, more to learn, more room to improve on.

Aside from that, I somehow I think these nagging questions reveal a lack of focus. I do a lot of things, and yes, I may do well, but I am not at my best. Which means I need to focus, really focus, on one and be most passionate about it. I feel like I’m at a loss because I can’t decide just yet. It’s like wanting to be everything–jack of all trades. (But master of…)

But I think this is still a good thing. It means I’m asking. It means I mean to be better. I mean to be more focused. I mean to be really passionate!

I don’t want to just find myself doing things over and over, trying to find my purpose, and faking passion about it.

I want to know (and I believe this takes a lot of prayer for what God really wants of me) who I am and what I should become.

I don’t want to be passionate about the wrong things either. I don’t want to be on fire for something, and later find out I’ve made a difference for all the wrong reasons.

It’s a good thing that this question cannot be answered with logic and rationality. Passion transcends human reasoning.

What am I really passionate about? I’ll keep this question hanging for now. I’m telling myself to keep myself restless until I find the answers. It may be a lifelong pursuit, but they say, ‘the journey is the reward.’ I want to find myself, one day, immersed with such intense passion that it consumes everything I am.

The question is still in the air. And I won’t take no–to be de-passionated–for an answer.

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