I’ve tried to dodge this for almost a year and a half. But now I’m facing the inevitable. I’m moving out.
Leaving for masters is a big thing for me. I’ve been working at the department as an instructor for almost three years now. It’s not my own liking to leave. But civil service rules that anybody teaching in college should have more than a BS degree. And my current contract is about to finish. So renewing it would require me to have more than a BS degree.
I’ve been here for 22 years. Born in the university hospital, raised in the next village, studied elementary nearby, and at the university for high school and college. I’ve practically lived with my family all my life (my brother experienced four years out even before I could).
I’m in this shell. Comfortable. I have a salary, and I contribute to household expenses. But all else, I don’t have worries here. We pay for laundry. My dad takes care of most transactions, like paying the bills, renewing licenses, etc. I have only myself to take about.
But in a month, I have EVERYTHING about myself to take about. I’m going outside my shell.
People might laugh at me. My students know how it is to be away from home. Me, I don’t. I still don’t know how that feels.
Even if I go out, I still have people around me. Dictating me what to do. Do this, do that. I’ll do the talking. I’ll do the transacting. (Like when I travel to Manila. My buddy sir Derek calls almost all the shots.)
But really, for me, this is a new chapter of my life. Lots of changes, I know. There are questions and concerns that run in my head, and I outlined them to be these.
I’m used to being at home where I don’t care about the little household things. Like worrying about my food, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, taking care of the laundry, managing my budget and paying bills.
I consider it a hassle. I’m an introvert. A low energy introvert who doesn’t care about the outside world. I find details a hassle. (I’ve only used at most 3 proper nouns so far.)
I’ll be looking for a local church to join when I get there. Will I be fellowshipping nearby? Or at my cousin’s church two hours away? How involved can I get?
I really have no qualms about my family. Except that I’ll miss them. I have two fun siblings to miss. And my mom and dad are so great (and not really intrusive to my day to day things, which I kind of appreciate as an introvert–just the big life concerns–yeyy! the abstract. Hooray for the introvert).
This one’s unresolved until now. We haven’t talked face to face, heart to heart, and really openly about me leaving. We’re introverts. And we’re passive aggressive. We haven’t really sat down and discussed this.
But as what I understand (taking from non-verbal cues and short verbal hints), she doesn’t like the idea. And I understand. I don’t like leaving either. And it’s mainly because of this.
And we’ve avoided bringing this up ever. We just go out. We enjoy our time. We text and call. But never this conversation. And I don’t know why. It’s like, okay, let’s cross the bridge when we get there. But we’re almost there!!!!!!!!
But it’s okay. We’ll get to that. (I’ll maybe write a long letter for her.)
I don’t know. (I’m about to space out so, next…)
Space and independence
I know masters would entail a lot of things to me. When I go out, I’m on my own. But not really.
I have two buddies there, who are also on their graduate studies. There are pros and cons.
One, I have seniors who could give me guidance. They could offer insight when I need them. And maybe advice when I need to have some.
But on the other hand, I don’t want to be spoonfed. I want to learn how to cope up with masters and being independent rather independently. I don’t want to be told what to do down to the last detail. That’s not how I learn.
I want another shell where I can space out, and continue living. I want to work and cope and live at my own pace. That’s how it is, eh. I want to go out and socialize at the times of my own choosing.
I don’t think this timidity is a problem. My space and my privacy and my quiet times are where I get my strengths. Where I get my insight and my ideas. Without it I burn out.
And this post ends abruptly. (Spacing out in 3… 2… 1…)
(Ok. I’m scatter brained.)
(To be continued…) 🙂