Goodbye For Now, Kap

Can I be near and not bother, if it’s fine, forever stay?
For a lifetime’s never too long if I am with you.
Can we witness every sunset? Can I gaze into your eyes?
Can I warm your hand, o let them intertwine with mine!
—Excerpt from my song “Long Look”

After the busy SCUAA Week, she’s now going home. At this moment, she’s faring her way to Ormoc on a van. She’s got my VSU Jacket with her (she can keep it). I also gave her a souvenir DVD. Ms. Captain Ball must go home, so bye for now, Kap…

I have to speed down the highway to catch her van before it left. I just had to say goodbye! I reached out my hand, as she reached out hers through the window.

“Bugnawa nimo oi!” she remarked, as I held her hand.

Then I remembered the song. Bit ashamed was I. She had to warm my hand instead. But soon, very soon, I’ll catch up when I see her again. I guess I have to live true to what I am pleading to her.

But for now, bye Kap. Enjoy the rest of the semestral break. Lovelots.

Finding Another Of My Kind

I’m an INTP (Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving).

My kind is rare. Very rare. In fact, to discover another of my kind is quite a find. And it is! This afternoon, I felt like a lone T-Rex finding another T-Rex when I thought we were going extinct.

My newly adopted sister Jaypen Jayme is an INTP as well. I never expected this. I first saw her when she was one of the hosts during the Ilang-Ilang Talent Showdown 2009 (where I had a funny experience with Ivone’s HD Camera—read more about that here). I don’t know why I was so drawn to her. Something tells me that I have to know this kid.

Backing Off Again

As an INTP, I feel like receding to the background again and observe. This detached viewpoint makes me feel like I can see things objectively. I basically don’t hold intellectual insecurities (as INT_, such is rare). But emotional and social insecurities? Some stem up from this one person. Not that she’s getting in my nerves, in fact I adore her. Perhaps, my intuition just cannot cope up to understand the female species.

That’s why I’m backing off again, detached (at least mentally), to stop, refresh my mind and observe. But she’s still messing up with my head! The mess is clear in this post.

I gotta go and clear up my head. The Master just knows just the right thing to do. (Comments are welcome, but please don’t scold me. God’s not finished with me yet.)

Ikaw (Piano Instrumental) by Jed

I am dedicating this one to Ivone.

Sex and Movie Torrents

I have a classmate who just can’t wait to watch new 3D movies.

First, she egged me to download for her Ice Age 3. Usually, DVD Rips are available in torrents when the DVD is released. That time, Ice Age 3 wasn’t released in DVD yet, so I had to settle for the average quality TS (telesync) cover of the movie (camera records from movie house and syncs the sound with the line out of the audio—piracy indeed).

Then the DVD was then available after some time. I downloaded it, and the quality is really great! I offered her the movie file but she said no thanks, “Nakit-an na man nako” (I’ve seen it already).

Lately, she’s badgered me for the Up movie. I searched Torrentz.com (which basically is a collection of all torrent libraries popular). Yes, there are torrents but they are TS or Cam rips. Same story. I told her that we’ll just wait for a few weeks or months and the DVD rip will be out.

She couldn’t wait so she downloaded it herself and watched. Pretty soon, the DVD rip will be out, and I might be offering the cooler quality to her again, but perhaps she would decline again.

And how often do cool analogies pop up in my mind! Isn’t the same situation true when comparing premarital sex and blessed sex in the marriage bed? Too bad, many times having something a little bit early spoils the beauty of the same old thing!

Now that’s something, man. I’ll just wait for the DVD rip if so.

She Made My Week

It is difficult to get a person like me excited. Even pleased. Therefore, it takes an extraordinary soul to thrill and overwhelm mine. Each day, she gives me more reasons to adore her all the more.

This week was a blast. Although the first three days were silent, the next three were great! On Wednesday, she was graceful enough to allow me to include my painting of her on an IHK tarpaulin. She willingly cooperated during the athlete pictorials (on ordinary days, she hesitates to smile on cam). That evening, Dean treated us with ice cream (like Sir Joselle did before, so it reminded me of his treat!).

That day, I also handed her a portable speaker. Though she hesitated to accept it at first, she still did and thanked me. On Thursday, she was busy, so we had little time to catch up. I just handed her the result of her personality test (MBTI) and explained it briefly to her. I just love it when she listens attentively! I could just see that sparkling interest in her eyes.

Today, we drove in the rain.

That’s What Love Is (Part 2)

It’s the only thing worth life and death.
It’s the first moment and the final breath.
It’s a broken heart keeping a solemn vow
And a lost soul being found.
You pray for faith when it’s hard to believe.
You choose to stay when it’s easy to leave
And when hope is gone you’re the one who keeps holding on.

That’s what love is
When you give until there’s nothing left
And it makes you give the very best.
That’s what love is.
It can make you laugh and make you cry.
It can let you down and lift you up so high
When you find the only reason left to live.
That’s what love is.

It’s the dream you give up for someone else.
It’s being strong when you’re weak yourself.
Though it tears you up you trust again.
Hatred loses and forgiveness wins.
You turn your cheek when you want to fight.
Sell all you have and lay down your life
And when hope is gone you’re the one who keeps holding on.

It’s reaching out and holding on so someone else will know.
Love is in the not letting go.

Download the song here. The artist of the song is tenor David Phelps.

Yet

YET
so far: up to now or a particular time in the past or future (often used with a negative or interrogative)

Yet is pa in Filipino. Violinist and friend Sir Joselle Cayetano told me something today so the word is bugging me. He is one of the many people who are following my love story (granting that there is actually one, hehe). An outspoken and curious person, he managed to ask my friend if I am courting her.

“Wa pa man,” she replied. He told me what she said and added, “You better make a move—now.”

I’m not convinced. Well, not of her statement, in fact, I fairly believe that this could have been her exact answer. I assume she knows well of what I am up to. However, I don’t believe making a move—now—will settle this inequilibrium.

Pa or yet carries the implication of an anticipation of a future event. She, most possibly, is waiting for the time when I will come knocking on the doors of her heart to ask her to let me in. Wa pa man.

But does it mean that she wants me to make a move…now? I think not so. I believe she has an idea of my timeline and my principles. I often say this as side comments in our casual conversations about anything under the sun. Pa is, first of all, anticipation, but not necessarily an invitation to speed up things.

Let me put it this way: Let’s assume a boy is courting a girl. You ask him if she already said yes and he says, “Wa pa man“. Of course, that’s anticipation since the boy is eagerly waiting for her answer. However, it most probably wouldn’t mean that the boy wants it now. He wouldn’t pressure the girl to answer prematurely. He would want her to take her time.

Same with my situation.

I didn’t feel the need of making the move. Honestly, I felt the want to do so. But it’s not the way things should work. What about the right time? What about the relationships that surround us? What about my relationship with God? my family? her family? What about her plans and dreams that she wants to fulfill? her parent’s expectations? What about the quest for emotional, and more importantly, spiritual maturity? Impulses sometimes blurs objectivity and a clear vision of life and the future.

I respect her plans and desires as much as I do with mine. Do I like her? Yes, with all my heart. Would I want to court her? You bet. But it doesn’t mean now, just because she said so. It’s not the right time. Love is, first of all, patient (1 Corinthians 13). It hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. It never fails.

Do not awaken my love, until it so desires.
Song of Solomon 8:4

Not yet.

Selah

Selah is a Hebrew word frequently used in Psalms. It has no equivalent in any other language but I love to define it as “Amen”, pause, silence and contemplation.

In Steve Green’s album “Morning Light”, he put an instrumental song entitled “Selah” at the middle of the album. I loved the music since the beginning.

It is sooo soothing. I use it to calm myself after a long day, or a moment of extreme pressure. It brings my back to reality (and sanity). It’s just that nice.

Selah.

When In Doubt

There’s a military principle that goes like this: When in doubt, salute! However, I have a different principle in life and it’s, “When in doubt, don’t!”

Sounds absurd, doesn’t it. But in life, there’s a thin line between being sure of what you are doing, and not being sure. It is always good to be sure of what you are doing.

But what if you’re not? Yes, there’s always a place for taking risks, where you place your all without an assurance of getting it right. It has its own place.

In what instances do we have to be sure of what we’re doing? In things that pertain about God and the Christian walk. I learned this from my dad. In one of my lowest valleys, he told me this (and I’ll never forget it), “Be sure. The Christian walk is a sure walk. There’s no place for doubts and uncertainties. Before you do something, you must be sure of it. When in doubt, don’t!”

Anything that is not done in faith is sin.
Romans 14:23b (ISV)